The Awkward Doula

I was given the very great honor of naming a baby this weekend. There are some littles out there with my name but this baby was a boy and I figured if this kiddo didn't want to be teased the rest of his childhood, I had better choose something a little more manly. So, I gave him my father's name and then told the mama that my daddy loved the Lord very much and that I hoped her son would grow to love the Lord as well. It was a very sweet conversation.  

This was an excellent end to a day that was just terribly confusing from the very start. I misread every single sign thrown at me by every single mama. Every. Single. One.

"So this woman isn't fully dilated??"

"Oh. So...she's only at four centimeters, huh?"

"Hmm. Well, that would explain why I've been waiting 2 hours for her to start to push."

....followed by much laughter and teasing from the midwife....

I had completely missed what she was telling me after the exam. In my defense, she was speaking a foreign language that I have not yet mastered.

-or-

"She's throwing up and hiccuping and holding her breath at the top of her contractions so I just know she's in transition!"

"What?! She's at 6 centimeters? That's all? Oh poor mama..." 

It's alright. I laughed at myself. In fact, I'm laughing right now. It's all pretty ridiculous. 

Something unusual happened though. Something that even the midwives couldn't have predicted. One mama delivered after a very difficult labor and then before she could deliver the placenta, her cervix just closed right back up. Just like that. They gave her a ton of oxytocin and brought the baby over to nurse, both to no avail. In the end she was taken to the OR where it was removed surgically. The bummer was that if they had any difficulty, they were going to do a full hysterectomy. I left before she returned so I don't know what the outcome was. 

Retained placentas are scary here. The women don't get the speedy emergency surgery that women in the States have access to. 

One mama waited hours for her operation (as is very common) and by the time they came for her, she was so weak and hypotensive that she could hardly speak. They made her stand and climb up onto the gurney that took her to the operating room. I wanted to stand right next to her in case she fell but I couldn't get around the bed to be close to her. So instead I did this half-help, half-awkward jerk over the bed to steady her wobbling body, all the while being very much in the way of the OR staff who'd come for her. Did I mention that I hit the OR nurse in the face with the IV tubing as I was trying to keep the mama from getting tangled? 

Oh well. What can I say? It was just an off day. 


On the bright side, this mama came through surgery and was awake enough to nurse when I carried her chunky (yes, sausage-legged) newborn to her!