Transparency

If you have been following, you know that I was apart of something really difficult in the ward about 5 months ago. The effects of that day on my mind and heart have been deep and long-lasting but not anywhere near hopeless. The experience challenged some things I believed to be true of God and His character and to say the least, I found it unsettling. But God, in His grace, wrestled with me and walked me through a new investigation of Himself and brought me into a deeper, richer fellowship with Him than I have ever known before. And for that, I am unspeakably thankful.

I explain all of that to give you a picture of where my mind and heart were on a day not too long ago, when I was again, working with a mama who was having a very difficult time. All of these thoughts and feelings were still fresh and raw like a healing wound. 

Not even remotely as tragic a situation as the rape victim, this mama was on all fours, begging God to make the pain stop and to bring her baby into the world. I had prayed with her earlier and now she was praying and reminding God of His promises to her. Even though she wasn't in the living nightmare of an incomplete abortion, I found myself in a similar situation as before. I could do nothing to bring this woman relief. I felt I could say nothing to bring her peace. I was just a well-meaning bystander. As I was up and down from the floor with her, pacing and coaching and praying with her, from somewhere in the hospital came the most beautiful music. A choir of voices singing a Capella, the beautiful old hymn, "The Love of God." If you don't know the words, they are like a rich sermon packed into a soothing melody. 

"The love of God, is greater far, than pen or tongue can ever tell. 

  It goes beyond the highest star and reaches to the lowest hell..."

As the words of the English translation came flooding into my mind, it was the most timely balm for my weary soul, bringing an unexpected rush of tears. I couldn't speak so I just soaked in the love letter from my Lord. He was there that day so many months ago - in that lowest of hells I have known. (Oh how sheltered I have been!) He was there the day that girl was raped. And His love was, and still is, greater than I can ever fathom. His sovereign plan is perfect.

As the painful realities of that mama's situation and my faulty beliefs about God bubbled up in the days and months that followed, I couldn't feel God's presence in the midst of my struggles. He hadn't withdrawn from me but I believe He had withdrawn the feeling of His presence so that I might cling to truth and exercise an atrophied faith. The default posture of my heart was prideful - believing that God owed me the help I sought and the explanation I demanded. Why hadn't He rescued this girl? Why hadn't He come through for me so that I could help her? 

As I searched scripture and sought counsel, I began to sense Him wooing my heart and binding my wounds. Even after months of struggling to understand and beating my fists against His chest, I still can't tell you anything about "why." But He is still sovereign and still perfectly, deeply loving. Six months ago, I would have told you that, but I don't think I really believed it to be true. My god was a nice, accommodating god but not the King of the Universe, the Lion of Judah, the Alpha and Omega. Even my blog post that week said the right things but I lacked conviction. If you get nothing else from this post, please know this: Truth remains true regardless of how we feel about it. God remains steadfast in His character regardless of how we feel about Him or our situation.

If God chooses not to rescue me from another grief, hardship or pain, so be it. Who am I to question Him? My heart's cry is to pour myself out for Him regardless of what the pouring looks like.

I had originally hoped to come away from this difficult season with some brilliant revelation from the Lord but I think, perhaps, He just wanted me to draw near to Him so that He could show me Himself - His perfect, loving, powerful, beautiful, glorious and utterly praiseworthy self.

And that is the greatest treasure.