Still Geekin' Out Over Placentas

Hi Friends! 

I know it's super uncool to read one's own blog, but I was feeling sentimental the other night and decided to refresh my memory of some of the things that happened in Papua New Guinea while I was working in the labor ward. Of course, that jaunt down memory lane made me cry. But it also kinda got me excited about writing another post with a long-overdue update! 

As I expressed in my last post, God is just as present and about His work here as He ever was in PNG. I knew when I wrote that, that He would reveal Himself and continue His work in my life, and I looked forward to how He would achieve His will for me. Well, He has been shaping and smoothing my rough edges, as He is wont to do. There have been some ugly tears, some serious wrestlings, and an occasional melt down moment of doubt, but my sweet Jesus reminds me each time that He's faithful and trustworthy and Holy. 

I've been "home" in the States for a year and a half now. I'd like to think I'm settling in nicely! Things like high-speed internet and fresh arugula immediately became apart of my first world lifestyle. I cringe to think that within a week of returning, an even remotely slow internet connection became a frustration. Ahh, how quickly we can adapt to the new normal when it serves our purposes. I'm mildly ashamed to admit that I've put on a few first-world pounds, as well. Much less walking and greater, more exciting options for this foodie have made that transition...bad. Or is it good? Or both?! 

God has shown Himself a good provider over and over through connecting me with like-minded believers in each location I've lived since returning. The church I attend when I'm in Colorado is rich and deep and scripture-centered. The people are intentional about their walks with the Lord, and intentional about discipling others. Before leaving town and in-between when I had no clue what I was doing with myself, worshiping with these brothers and sisters was a balm to my weary heart. 

I spent several months in Boise and joined a home group through a church just blocks from where I was living. These folks brought me into their fold immediately. During a particularly difficult internship and a season of serious doubt regarding life direction, I would leave each meeting with these dear ones feeling filled up. I would frequently sing "God Is So Good" on the drive home - an overflowing theme in my heart.

(I often sing my emotions. This has since gotten me in trouble, as I don't always pause to see who is around before bursting into song. I'm working on this - heaven help me.)

Tucked in this timeline somewhere was an aggressive surgery that resulted in a significant left-sided facial palsy. My left eye wouldn't close and my smile drooped. There was also a large, unsightly wound on that cheek. Protecting my all-seeing eye, eating SUPER SLOWLY, and keeping that wound covered became the name of the game. There was a lot of worry about whether or not I'd regain use of that half of my face. I prayed a lot for patience and trust in this season of healing. I found it incredibly difficult to not be able to express myself as I once had. Smiling felt awkward, and some words were hard to pronounce. This face just didn't feel like mine. I forced myself to go out in public and be "normal" because I figured that if God had written this into my story, I had to keep living life. I also decided that if my half face was the new me and how God designed that I should glorify Him best, then so be it. 

Fast forward to the present. I'm pleased to share that 4 months later, my face has nearly completely recovered! It happened so slowly, that others noticed before I did. My eye is the last to come around, but it's much better and I see a little improvement each day. My left nostril flares again. Guys, we gotta celebrate the little things. 

So where in the heck am I now, you ask? I am now in the land of beer and cheese and beer-battered cheese and am interning at a busy birth center in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin. I seriously could not have asked for a better placement and have been thoroughly enjoying my time with the four midwives and their patients. These midwives practice with wisdom and humility. They seem to have found that enigmatic balance between the weird schedule of a midwife, and home and family priorities. It has been remarkable to observe them in action, learn from their experiences, and be entrusted with their patients. I'm enjoying myself so much, I don't want to miss a single birth! 

When I'm not at the birth center, I'm enjoying the company of a friend who just happens to live a few blocks from me and served for a short time with me in Papua New Guinea! And if that doesn't make the world feel small, the home I'm renting with two other girls "just happens" to be owned by some missionary friends from PNG! God laid out His blessings for me and then pretty much pushed me and I fell into them. This angsty, recovering control freak looks on in awe at His goodness and for a moment, the white knuckle grip I have on my life lets up juuuust a little. Of course, I don't have as much control as I'd like to think. I need to trust more. 

So here I am - eating cheese and holding babies - and plan to for at least another year. After that...only God knows. Lord willing, I'll graduate in May 2020 and will then be eligible to sit for my licensure exam. So much to do and learn between now and then, but I'm takin' it one day at a time. 

The other night, I dreamt that I was pregnant and laboring in the New Guinea haus sik. My baby was not doing well and needed help; interestingly, an identical scenario to one I'd seen when I was there. My preceptor was there in my dream, running throughout the hospital frantically looking for a doctor who would perform my c-section. As is classic in dreams, no one would acknowledge or help us. I woke feeling stressed and sad. But my dream also served as a reminder of why I'm doing this. Why I'm living away from my family again. Why I'm up at all hours. Why I carry clean underwear, snacks and a watch in my car at all times. Why I read about fetal development and placentas. Each moment is preparation. Each moment an arming of myself, so to speak, so that I can return to the battle and fight for vulnerable women and babies. 

Stay tuned...