It's a Three-Ring Circus

The adventures of my last trip to the haus sik.

It was a full ward just off of a crazy night so there were only two midwives working. All the ladies were within two or three centimeters of each other so there was lots of moaning and wailing. I have to confess, at one point I thought, "It really sounds like a dairy full of mooing cows in here!" (no rude connotations - just a reference to the sound similarities)

The first mama I worked with was considerably overweight and delivered a humongous baby girl. Not only was this mama large but she was strong. She held my hand so tight during transition contractions that she broke all the blood vessels in my thumb. Yikes! I took a picture to show you but it was far less impressive in the photo than in real life.

The head midwife (who happens to be a man) was working fast and giving out shots of muscle relaxants like they were lollipops. He was also offering me lots of great information about each thing he was doing. I could have followed him and gleaned that knowledge all day but there was lots to do so I'd pop in on his exams whenever I could. At one point, I offered to take a still-slippery infant to get a weight and as I picked him up, he squirted meconium all over my right arm. I put him down on the warmer and while cleaning him up, he squirted more meconium all over my left arm. I burst out laughing and looked at the clock, mentally counting down the minutes to my shower.

Another mama in labor with her third, was extremely clingy. I'd expect this level of leach-ism from a first-time mama but not a veteran! I worked with her for hours only stepping away for moments at a time to check on other ladies. Each time I moved to leave, she would reach out and grasp for me. When I did get away, it was a game to avoid eye contact because if she'd lock eyes with me she'd call my name until either I responded or a midwife shouted at her to be quiet. On one hand I felt like I really shouldn't leave her and on the other, I wanted to get away for a breather and there were four other mamas in transition in beds just a few feet away!

One of the times that I managed to sneak away, I visited the bed right next door because the woman was squeaking out between grunts, "The baby is coming!" She had been dismissed multiple times by the midwife being told that, "No, the baby is NOT coming and there are lots of other ladies to look after." I was beginning to sense that this may not really be the case anymore.

I poked my head in at the same time as the midwife. He studied her chart while I put on gloves, getting all ready to offer my assistance while she pushed. However, no sooner did I have my gloves on when the midwife informed me that he was going to go make a cup of tea. Pardon? Now??

Kid you not, he walked away just as she was crowning. I called for him to come back but he was already out of the ward. I grabbed a large piece of gauze and supported her perineum
while instructing her how to push and breath, just like I'd seen the midwives do. After the head was fully delivered, I held it, my fingertips supporting the neck, while I gently twisted, pulled down to free the shoulders and then up, putting the big, baby girl up onto her mama's chest.

I was holding the cord clamp and the hemostats getting ready to cut the cord when the midwife walked back up. (I was a little surprised he wasn't carrying his tea.)

"Did you catch this one?"

"Yes."

"Well done! You should be a midwife." (Those five words totally made my day...)

I stood there staring at him, gape-mouthed, while he took the clamp and hemostats from me, cut the cord and delivered the placenta. I moved out of his way and slipped out a few minutes later to check on clingy mama who now knowing that I was next door, was calling my name.

When my friend and I left to go home about an hour later, CM was still laboring on her back, making little thrashing movements and complaining an awful lot. Bag in-hand, I went over to tell her goodbye. She latched onto my arm and wouldn't let go. I explained that our ride was waiting outside. I told her that she was capable and savvy because she'd done this twice before and I prayed with her. I even waited through a couple of contractions because I thought it would just be mean to ditch her when she couldn't verbally respond to me. 

When I stood up to move away, her hand tightened on my arm. I'm not joking, after several long minutes of trying to talk her into letting me go, I pried her fingers from my arm and we hurried away! She was muttering and shaking her finger at us as we fled. 

What a day! It went by so fast and I left with bruises and covered in poop. However, I delivered another baby! What?! I love being a doula and I still have LOTS to learn but who wants to be a doula when you can actually deliver the baby?! 

Seriously considering a vocational change.